Let’s not see what the day might say, Instead learn to pray, Pray for the important things in life, Not just avoiding the strife, The ups and downs which are inevitable,
But to learn to convert the frowns, Into acts of glee, Smiles that let us be, The best versions of what we can, Not just by having a plan, But also learning to navigate the unexpected turns,
For in this sometimes with these the pain burns But it always heals with love ❤️,
The gratitude within is the power that charges one’s will, To open ones eyes 👀, And see with new perspective,
That all the peace of the universe, Starts first within our hearts,
So practice what it is to be kind, daily, And learn to find , The wisdom and peace that is already there,
For when you walk this path, You become aware of, And with this you share, The greatest gift of life.
Happy New year
1-1-2024
A rare moment of reflection after coffee this morning led to a poem I felt compelled to share. It’s been a tricky New Year’s Eve and morning ; but still there is always a chance for reflection and a change of perspective 🥳♥️
What about the emails that you never pressed “send”?
.
So please don’t refrain, just persist,
Like the old grandma who has just been kissed,
For it’s the simple joy that is the very essence of being,
And with your heart you begin the process of seeing,
What is not there yet,
And let us not forget,
That everything worthwhile started from a dream. .
5-7-2023
I am a big dreamer. I was going to write “I used to be a dreamer, but I forgot about this”, but this is not the case. When you stop for a moment and sit with yourself, feel your heart, by becoming aware of what is on the inside, away from the constant stream of goals and judgments that the mind seems to dish out. That is when you remember your real essence. For me in that moment there is a well of creativity that just wants to exude from my being. Whatever comes up seems best to be put down in the form of a poem. I love poetry both writing it and sometimes reading it, depending on whether the poem speaks to me. The thing about writing poetry for me, is that it is therapeutic. Raw expression conveyed through literary creativity, and in my case a near complete absence of judgement. For some reasons because it is a poem, I don’t seem to care too much how it may be judged by others, and for myself, it’s simple okay no matter what comes out.
So, on the topic of dreaming, well I used to be a dreamer, then I got busy, and now I remembered. Everything starts with a dream, and dreams are so precious. They are free and provide you with such hope that it seems insane not to go to this mystical place, that is so very accessible if you try, and do not deny yourself this simple pleasure.
For me I was just a strange moment on a beautiful island. The two children sleeping upstairs. My partner enjoying quality time with her family in the boathouse, and me just finally having a guilt free moment to myself, to re connect. As I look outside the perfectly positioned window to my side, I can see the harbour with ripples gently fluttering across the way. The skyline is carved out by a dense forest of pines and in the foreground a serious of wooden houses, painted red, with grey roofs, and a scattering of small boats parked in front of decks and jetties. This is Sweden, and this is the island of Trysunda. A dream. But when you decide to enjoy the stillness, and listen to its sound, that’s when you know for sure. Magic is in the air.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been writing, but now is the time to start again. There always seems to be no time but in fact, it’s not really about time, it’s about priorities.
I used to write more on this blog, and back then I wasn’t obsessed with what I wrote, but more connected to the inner voice, and the process of writing leads. I wasn’t too worried about what I would say. Things can change, and you can stagnate. To not write when there is a calling within is to just that. There will always be more important things to do than to write about nothing.
But what if this very “nothing” contains a bit of everything. And who are we if not everything in “this” moment? So perhaps the message is just roll with it? Write. Don’t believe the hype, and don’t give up the fight, simply be yourself and express.
And toddler seeing fit to challenge everything and everybody,
.
But travel life is always the same,
A journey not a pain,
No matter what the predicament,
.
For when you hit the road,
Or the air,
Somehow you give less of a care.
10-6-23
I can’t believe we are travelling again! (but this time with two young kids, 11 months and 3 years old)
At the end of the week it felt like we survived a lovely but challenging action packed week in Amsterdam, leaving us feeling exhausted but happy. We had such a nice little airBnB in the heart of the museum district. Travelling with a young family is not for the faint hearted, and not without perils – thanks so much to Sanna for the amazing support and for bearing the brunt the jet lag of our two little ones! Thanks also to our friend Lauren who joined us for a day whilst travelling Europe from Australia – such a pleasant injection of travel fun and inspiration. And it was wonderful to meet with my Dutch relatives who made the effort to see us
The ICEM (International conference on Emergency Medicine) 2023 conference was a really fun and inspiring event, with some important big picture messages including Gender Equity, the importance of civility in the workplace, environmental protection, and well-being to provide sustainable solutions to an ever increasing healthcare environment ; great to catch up with friends, colleagues and gain some inspiration … and have a little fun too – #HumanityInHealthcare #Family #Travel
For in finding this moment is to know what it is to be free,
Seeing what you see, instead of wanting to flee,
.
Dreaming what it is to simply be.
.
7-8-2022
Another 24 hours on the emotional rollercoaster of life, and life with a newborn.
Nobody can overstate enough the challenges of having a child, nor the rewards. It’s a complex equation that cannot be solved. Just when you think you are sorted, you have a rhythm or even a plan, it is bound to change.
For me it’s better to use an algorithm that is separate from external events and instead learn to navigate the ebbs and flow of joy, pain, and the dreaded feeling like it’s all falling apart.
Yesterday was one of those days, that started on the back of a poor night’s sleep. Our usual parental team ‘sleep salvage’ system is where I sleep with our newborn (now 2 week old) for the first part of the evening, whilst my partner gets some protected sleep, handing over from 12 midnight to 4 am to myself get some protected sleep. During this time my partner has her sleep interrupted by breast feeding, and when I again a take over at 4am both of us have had a rest, but the mother is exhausted. I take our newborn to help the mother salvage something until the day starts again. We are both up in action (in sync with our toddler daughter) at 7am, or sometimes earlier. So this is the system, for now, and the day before yesterday it somehow came off its hinges. Something happened in the night, perhaps a leaking nappy that needed changing that woke up our newborn daughter, or something else that I cannot accurately recall owing to sleep deprivation.
It is thus hardly surprising that the following morning and day, yesterday, was fraught with problems which largely manifest in the moods and perspectives of both parents, but the brunt of which impacted on the breast feeding mother who is an absolute legend for her efforts and stamina. The caring partner also was there to help whether the emotional storms that ensued, as in a team all are affected, both in the short term and the long. Instagram photos and whats app friends chats can never really capture the details of moment by moment struggle. Images and soundbites of text are great for conveying the joys and the momentary glory but do very little to describe the holistic journey.
Therefore, in a sense, it’s somewhat of a gift to be able to write some of this down. To me it’s hard to answer the question that is often asked “how are you guys doing?”, “how is the mother doing?” for perhaps the representation of truth is always lost in the omitted details. And in a sense perhaps this is not what is sought to be divulged on either side of the question. Like an unwritten code of too much information.
I planned to write down some reflections after our first child, but I kept putting it off until I felt more rested and had more time to do this. That time never arose. Also with the first I was perhaps too anxious about “what next” to even have the headspace to start writing about what has just been!
The time never really does arise to write, because there are too many other things to do, including “sleep when the going is good”. There is a whole lot of ‘opportunity costs’ in the newborn parent’s life. Even whilst attempting to write this post I’ve had to pick up our 2 week old baby and settle her a little, to salvage what seems like a rare break where I’ve prioritised writing than doing the unwieldy list of other task of that continually get put on the back burner. I chose this time to write as it was a rare moment when my partner was having a cat nap in alignment with our toddler first daughters afternoon nap – and even this is bound to end abruptly any moment!
Yesterday the culmination of sleep deprivation, exhaustion, and cluster feeding lead to what felt at the time like an existential crisis right at the cusp of the end of world breast feeding week. We are often told and with good evidence, how it is beneficial to breast feed if possible. What is rarely expressed is just how hard this can be particularly when taking into account the range of pitfalls and resultant exhaustion that is heavily loaded upon the mother who is the one who solely breast feeds. It was opportune in a way, that this crisis hit right at the cusp of the end of the world breast feeding week, because there was already some awareness in our worlds about the topic of breast feeding and how hard it can be. A friend shared her own journey of breast feeding, trials and tribulations in a heartfelt facebook post, read earlier in the week. The week it self signifies a beautiful celebration of the non-judgmental choice that women have with breast feeding if they choose, but also helps to raise awareness of the multitudes of supports that exist to support mothers in their choices and how overcome some of the obstacles.
That night in our family we had the discussion about breast feeding again, and it’s always an emotive one. So many factors. The benefits, versus the challenges including the sheer exhaustion. Whilst the children were asleep we discovered a brilliant online resource recommended to us by two different friends recently, one who wrote the mentioned facebook post, about baby sleep and baby feeding called “Milk and Moon”. It is a great source of information and support. The posts on the website outlines so many of the challenges that many women and parents face with a newborn, including the frequency at which sleeping challenges are experienced, even by parents who have had a child before. The program is run by a passionate GP experienced in maternal care and parental wellbeing. It’s goal is focussed on helping bring to light the latest evidence on the topics discussed. In the quick read I had, I couldn’t say there were any instant “solutions”, however, there was instant reassurance that we were not alone in our struggles with feeding, sleep and the interconnected nature of these two important entities that lead to much parental stress and worry. More practically there was a sense that we were not traversing this journey alone.
This feeling of isolation is a very common feeling when you have a child, particularly if one doesn’t have family on site, but it is also one that is rarely talk about, at least in my experience. I remember this feeling well when we had our first child. My tendency has been to reach out to trusted friends and our little community – this worked wonders, as it is amazing what happens when you ask. as we had no family around on site until my partners parents arrived when our first child was over 6 weeks old.
They say “it takes a village to raise a child”. What they don’t often highlight that it is perhaps the assemblage of that village that is of paramount importance when we are no longer living in villages, and perhaps it’s importance is maximal at the beginning phase which one will be forgiven as labelling “the survival phase”.
We are so grateful beyond what words can express for all the help and support we have had despite not having a lot of family on site. We have been blessed with good care in the hospital, by our incredible midwife team, and also the friends and our family in Sydney. One friend set up something called “Meal Train” which allows friends to volunteer to drop off food in the first few weeks, which has been a blessing exceeding any the greatest expectations, thank you so much everyone.
Anyway – my break is over, and time to get back to being an active dad. One further thing I wanted to say, is about the feeling of there being “no time”. It is easy to catch myself saying “how on earth is it possible to do it all!?” and at times desperation at times. However, in these times am grateful if I have the presence of mind to take a slow and deep breath in, and out. In this moment I sometimes hear a wiser voice which says, “whilst it may be impossible to do it all, perhaps it is possible to do ‘some of it’ and wouldn’t it be a shame to not give that much a try?”
It’s been a busy and eventful week as always. Becoming a parent has awakened me to how I could become even more challenges in terms of time, responsibility and desired. But it doesn’t matter how much lands on my plate. To me the same algorithm for peace exists. In this moment I have a choice. To breath in and energise with the in-breath, and gentle release (or “let go”) with the out breath.
I also have the choice to stay inside and try to chip away at the countless tasks and that one must do, or take a plunge and walk outside of the house. For me walking outside of the house, and connecting with the earth and nature, is analogous to stepping my consciousness outside of the busy mind-space, and connecting with the body.
Luckily for me it was cold outside, so the elements of nature hit me straight away. If I had more time to spare I would have headed down to the ocean for a winter swim, or a surf. But thats okay, a walk around the block sufficed. In that moment, connecting with the surroundings, I saw the golden hue of the sky, unique in its own way, as the sun was contemplating it’s predicted rise. There was the reflection of the light of the buildings and lawns on my street and beyond. There was a moment of noticing, what otherwise goes unnoticed. Perhaps nothing fantastic or spectacular in itself, but put all together somewhat awe inspiring.
I came back to my indoor spot within half an hour, forever changed but still the same.
So how does one get themselves out of a rut? Very simple. Have the courage to move forward. Remembering that life is not always as it has been. Each moment, each second is changing, if you can wake up and look around you.
The birds, the sounds , the smells, the light, before you, is always new. The people around you are different in unique ways that cannot be predicted.
The only thing that can possible stay the same, or fixed, is the midset which one holds, either rigidly, or loosely. This mindset is powerful, because it is the lens through which all perceived reality is viewed.
Having a 2 year old daughter is a gift beyond words. To see how she see the world, experiences things for the first time in her life, repeatedly, sometimes in awe, sometimes in jubilation, sometimes in fear, and other times in terror, is enlightening to my own perspective on the world.
Yesterday she had her first swimming lesson, where I fully dunked her in the water (intentionally, and under careful instruction). It was telling to see how terrified she was after the first plunge, but slightly reassured with the warmth of my underwater hug, whilst at the same time she seemed to be clinging on to me for dear life. The encouraging words of the swimming instructor , “that’s great Ella, do you want to try it again!?” may have also offered some solace, but the resistance to this concept was written in her eyes, so much that it was almost like a banner, reading “NO WAY!!”. Despite this, around the pool we went and we did it again, and it was slightly better tolerated, this time the grip of her little paws on my neck was slightly easing from almost drawing blood, to a mild clutching scratch. I’m so proud of her for facing the challenge, even though she didn’t really have full choice. Nevertheless she left the lesson with a smile.
But to think about this quantum leap in a different way is to say that “taking the plunge” is perhaps the quintessence of what ‘living the life we were born to live’ is all about. It involves a lot of courage, a little faith, and full embrace of the journey we are all on.
Extreme gratitude is the attitude that you can take, By embracing it fully you start to awake, To the opportunities that lie right in front, And you avoid bearing the brunt, Of misfortune that is surely in your way, That is not to say, “Be happy” or “forget about loss!”, But rather to cultivate a Peace, That lets you be less “cross” at all of these things, When you look up you find what the stars bring, Light and love, A spirit that helps you elevate above, The misfortune of the mud, Instead realising the beauty of the flowers, That are yet to unfold…
12-9-21
So it’s been a very interesting two weeks in Hotel Quarantine. It has been challenging doing this with a toddler who loves the outdoors and a partner who has left the comforts of her home country Sweden, that is currently fully open, to arrive back in Australia when we are in a state of lockdown, hospitals overrun and of course the mandatory 2 weeks in a hotel where you can’t go outside your hotel room door.
But with that said, we have been so extremely fortunate. We were so lucky to be allocated a a nice hotel and being allocated a one bedroom apartment and a small balcony where we can get a little fresh air and space outdoors. How helpful and wonderful, that small balcony was, and a taste of freedom that it allows.
We were terrified of the potential “worst-case” scenarios for international travel and hotel quarantine before leaving Sweden and returning to Australia (and if you can’t be bothered reading this post. These fears included a multitude of things including, our flights being cancelled, and when arriving our toddler going nuts locked in a hotel room, and potentially not eating anything. It also included us, the parents, going crazy looking after a toddler in confinement. However, the whole journey back from Stockholm Sweden to Sydney Australia, which started over two weeks ago now, has been remarkably seamless. Not without crisis, and not without break down, but with perseverance and success, and I would attribute the majority of this to an attitude of extreme gratitude.
It was super tough leaving Sweden this time more than usual. Ella, our 20 month old had 4 months where she had been so comforted by being surrounded by her Swedish family. Of course we had the tragic loss of Sanna’s father accentuated by the inability to travel back during his illness. There were so many difficult things to deal with in this journey. However we will always be eternally grateful for the comfort of being able to spend so long there and it really aided to the grief and the healing period for Sanna and for us as a family. It was such a lovely time in Sweden, and for me personally getting a bit of space, learning the language and experiencing the fabulous and quirky culture again, and mostly getting to spend time with my family and daughter – every day. It was priceless. Truly grateful.
Coming back now to the flight and hotel quarantine;- Qatar airlines were amazing for us, with great staff and in particularly the two airline stewards who really looked after us, and were really welcoming with Ella. We were worried about our flights being cancelled in getting back an decided to upgraded to business class as we had that option, even though it was at great expense. We had never flown business before and had such a good journey. We were greeted by the police and military as part of the hotel quarantine procedure, and were not told information until we were on the bus. This was very confronting, especially for Sanna. This aspect was tough at the same time I appreciated greatly that the staff were really nice about what they were doing, and for us it was clear that they cared and they were doing their best to make our passage as good as it could be given the constraints of the policy, in this very difficult time for all.
We were lucky to have a great hotel, and the staff, including the catering services have been wonderful. The first few days were super hard. Getting our systems together, forming routines, and also getting over jet lag at the same time (which thankfully wasn’t too bad given we slept well on the flight). Initially the food was pretty hard for Ella to tolerate. It was nice enough but not like home cooked food. That was very hard to for Sanna to deal with as she normally provide Ella with top class healthy meals and to have not control over what I daughter had to eat, in addition to her not being able to be outside in the nature she loves, was tough. But again focussing on the positive, she was sleeping okay, and we managed to figure out some good play routines.
The upgrade to business class meant that we could take plenty of toys with us, including the toy Kitchen stove, which flat packed down – you’ve got to love the Swedes for their building ingenuity, even for toys! (It really did feel like we literally travelled with the kitchen sink in our extra suitcase!) The balcony meant that Sanna good get her outdoor time and we figured out that uber eats could offer us a good local coffee -worth the slightly extra cost. Also the TRX like exercise device we bought from the “Stadium” in Sweden prior to leaving was a game changer – as was the HDMI cable that a good friend in Örnsköldsvik had given us was essential to watch on demand TV in the evening (including VPN sorted Swedish TV so we could continue watching Swedish Idol!). Finally the care packages were so amazing – at the top of this list of people to thank was a brother who turned up and dropped off home-made meals made by our sister in law, a bottle of wine, waves from the street, and of course the rented acoustic guitar, and our Yoga instructor friends yoga mat. Then there was a locum agency friend who delivered a care package with chocolates and bath salts and other snacks. A friend who dropped off a special package with a bottle of French Champagne – which was a winner – was so appreciated (I’m sure there were other things, which made a positive difference – so sorry if I forgot to mention, and thank you).
During our first week we seemed to be one of the few people in the hotel, there was nobody to see on the balconies. The two Facebook groups that I was part of “Mandatory 14 day Hotel quarantine chat group”, and “Hotel Quarantine Sydney” was really a lot of support during this time. I managed to connect on messenger with a few other guests even in our hotel who were going through similar challenges (ie those entailed by HQ with young children). Then at the beginning of our second week we had a lovely experience, worth writing about. Our hotel received a large proportion of the Australian ParaOlympic team who had just come back from the Tokyo Olympics. Suddenly the hotel was full and there were people on the balconies, so overnight it went from a ghost town to having the balconies full of activity. On day 1 of the new HQ guests arrival I found myself, whilst on my play-school break from looking after Ella, on the balcony saying “gidday” to one of my new neighbours, who was a friendly lady one floor up and across from me. It was the first real life, non-screen related, conversation that I had been able to have, and loved it. She was such an inspiring lady with a great attitude towards life. We shared stories, had a great yarn, and in the end took pictures on our phones of each other and sent them via messenger. It turned out that she was a ParaOlympics champion, Christie Dawes, who came 8th in the world in the Wheelchair marathon, and has just come back from her 7th Olympic games. There was a radio interview on her on ABC Newcastle the next day and she sent me a message saying – hey guess what – your balcony photo featured in the media!
Physical and mental health is paramount when in confinement. I have to take my hat off to the service we received. The health nurses who called daily to check on our health (including mental health and wellbeing) were so good, nice, professional and caring. We took up their offer of psychology consultations and check ins. It was so helpful to have a caring psychologist to check in on how you were coping with the stress of confinement and other things, every other day. This was all free and organised as part of the hotel quarantine program and it was a real gift and valuable strategy. There is nothing that could be done to address the real issue of being stuck inside, but at least there were practical tips – including the suggestion of watching the Netflix “Headspace Guide to meditation” (that was animated so kids can handle it too) priceless! Ella got sick on day 5, having high fevers and a runny nose (which was thankfully not covid). We believe she got ill largely due to the air conditioning system meant that it was difficult maintaining a natural room temperature at night – ie it was often too hot or too cold. There happened to be a problem with our air-conditioning in the main room, and the maintenance couldn’t really enter the room. These things were hard to deal with at the time, but we made it through. Thankfully Ella got better, but the health nurses caring, and having a medical back up plan really helps soften the blow. The psychologists even sent us a set of teddy bears to thank us for being patient – they got how hard it was – which was super nice.
Finally the support we got from our families overseas and locally, and friends through video skype, and also messages on social media cannot be acknowledged enough. We even found ourselves posting on social media creating a kind of mini-series of our stay over here in Facebook and Instagram (part of our therapy). It’s not something we normally do, but I believe these strange time call for increased creativity and this is exactly what happened. Not to mention that perhaps there was an opportunity for me to play out my ongoing aspirations to be street musician and performer. Ella and I had so many jam sessions, “Tea Parties”. There was so much drawing and dancing. So I guess these are some of the rainbow’s that you can find in the storm.
So with all that – we are looking forward to getting out today, back to our own house. Thank you
Yesterday we had the funeral of Sanna’s father, Roger. It was a tragic loss beyond words for Sanna and his wife Cissi, for Ella and myself, and for his greater family and friends. We are all still coming to terms with the shock of the news of Roger’s sudden death earlier this month. The funeral service, and the family gathering at his home afterwards, which was nicely coordinated by Cissi was a beautiful commemoration of the life of a wonderful man whose time had come much too early for anyone to understand. The last few months have been such a tough time for us all especially with Sanna being so far away from home in these restrictive times of the pandemic. We are so fortunate to have been able to make the mission of getting over here, which has been much more difficult than it can seem. We are very grateful for my work colleagues back in Australia, and the family and friends on the ground over there who helped make it possible for us to be back in Sanna’s homeland at this important time. With permission, have shared Sanna’s poem that was read out at the funeral yesterday (original version in Swedish).
Roger you are always in our hearts
Spring is on its way,
Life begins all over again,
You take your first breath,
You take your last breath,
In April, when winter has passed,
.
The years go by but spring never dies,
Where you walk, traces of tussilago* are left behind,
.
The river Vindelälven rushes past,
By your feet where you stand, at the water’s edge,
The fish jump and play,
Splashes by your toes,
.
It’s spring and you exist,
In every leaf, flower, valley, mountain,
In the earth, in the air, in the snow that melted,
into water that flows down the Ammarnäs mountain,
.
It’s spring and you exist,
always in our hearts,
always in our memories,
A small tussilago* is carefully popping out,
It says: “you live in me and I will never die”
.
22-4-2021
—
*spring flower (dandelion)
Våren står på glänt
Livet börjar om på nytt
Du tar ditt första andetag
Du tar ditt sista andetag
I april, då vintern har flytt
.
Åren går men våren består
Det lämnas spår av tussilago där du går
.
Vindelälven rusar friskt förbi
dina fötter där du står, vid vattnets rand
Fiskarna hoppar och leker däri
En eller två sprattlar till vid dina tår
.
Det är vår och du finns till
i varje löv, blomma, dal, berg
I jorden, i luften, i snön som smält
till vatten som rinner nerför Ammarnäs fjäll
.
Det är vår och du finns till
alltid i våra hjärtan,
alltid i våra minnen
.
En liten tussilago tittar försiktigt ut
Den säger: “du lever i mig, jag kommer aldrig ta slut”
bishan's world 